Divorce is a part of life. I have many divorced friends. Over the past 12 years I have seen at least half of my married friends relationships end in divorce. Divorce is sad, causes a lot of pain, and is a very difficult process. I am not jealous of any of that portion of the divorce. I am however jealous of the happy, after the fact divorced friends of mine who share custody of their children. I am in no way jealous of divorced full-custody parents who have to go it alone. Those people are saints. I am going to be honest and tell you why.

I have several friends who are divorced with children. I see them on Facebook, posting pictures at a bar on a Wednesday night, or at our house, a “School Night.” I’m sure you have friends like this as well. They look happy, relaxed, with a drink in hand. And that smile, where did they get that smile. I know, maybe it’s from being out on a week night, “School Night” and not paying for a babysitter. You hear them talking about where they will be vacationing, or what fun activity they will be doing that weekend. Posting pics of their rested faces after a long uninterrupted 8 hours of sleep. Yeah, I’m jealous. I said it. I know I shouldn’t say it, but I did.

I recently called up one of my friends and asked if she and the kids wanted to get together for the day. She said no, she didn’t have the kids that weekend. So I asked what she was going to do. Her reply, “I’m not sure, probably read a book, take a nap, drink some wine.” I wanted to jump through the phone and strangle her with the imaginary phone cord. I know that jealousy is wrong. I Get It! I really do, but I was jealous. I spent the rest of that weekend running from place to place with everyone crying about the task at hand. One of my blessing had a bathroom blow out and I spent the rest of the day carting around their undies in a zip-lock bag. Side not, I only kept the undies because they were Elsa Frozen panties, and thus her favorite. I came home with the intent to read and fell asleep on the couch before I could open the book.

I am even more jealous of my re-married friends. They have it the best. Come on….They have found love once again and still get to send their kids to their Dads for the weekend. Now they have quiet quality time with the love of your life, and no one bombarding their bathroom while they are mid-poop, or perhaps having some Mommy-Daddy time. It sounds like heaven. The best of both worlds. I am sure some of you who read this will be appalled at my opinion on divorce. I get that it sounds terrible that I am jealous of a divorced family. Please understand that I am simply jealous of the shared custody portion, I am not an evil person who wishes anyone ill will.

I decided that I would talk to my husband about my jealously issues. I sat him down to discuss an arrangement that I though might both benefit us. Below is a transcript of our dialogue.

Me: So I think we need to talk.

Husband: About What?

Me: I was wondering if you would move back in with your parents?

Husband: What? Why?

Me: Well, I think it would be great if we could both get some time to ourselves and have a chance to decompress.

Husband: You want a divorce?

Me: No. I want the benefits of a divorce without getting the divorce.

Husband: What?

Me: You know, like me dropping the kids to you for a three-day stretch so I can go get stuff done, or just relax.

Husband: Are you insane? Why would I leave her to go live with my parents?

Me: Well, your Mom will cook for you and help you with the kids. I am pretty sure this is a Win-Win. Plus, when you drop the kids to me you can golf for three days straight.

Husband: Why would I do that. I can golf three days straight now If I want to.

Me: Ugggggh. WTF

So needless to say my husband was not on board with the pseudo-divorce. I myself thought it was an excellent idea. My honest divorced friends tell me all the time that it is a blessing at times to have some freedom and time to themselves. They do however have to deal with the ex. I would not do so well with that part of divorce. I have a hard enough time navigating a happy marriage.

Divorce is not something to joke about, but I must say that there is something to that shared custody arrangement. I will continue to work on a solution with my husband. Perhaps we should hire an Au Pair, although I have seen some disastrous ending to that on Dateline NBC. She would probably be blonde, early 20’s, thin….. OK, next idea.  Maybe we should buy the house next door and swap the kids mid-week. However I am sure that would back fire and I would have two houses to clean, two meals to cook, and two mortgage payments. I guess I will keep brainstorming, and try to contain my ill-logical jealousy.