When Your Anxiety Makes You Rage

10
2486

When I’m having a hard time with my anxiety, I tend to go quiet. But, that doesn’t really serve anyone. Anxiety sucks. I’m on meds, I have gone to therapy (probably need to do a visit again) and yet I still can’t always control it.

This week was super hard. I had a bad migraine that took me out for an entire day, and then the next day I just felt angry. Anxiety makes me a rage monster. I loathe that part of me.

By day 3, my anxiety peaked and I was lashing out at everyone. I hated it, yet I couldn’t control it. I hate that part of me. I hate how the sound of my own children playing in the other room can make me feel like I’m going to lose it.

I hate how I want to be alone. I feel anger, but I feel so much more.

I feel depressed that it’s back, when I had been handling things so well.
I feel hopeless that although I know it will end, that it will come back again.
I feel embarrassed that I’m sometimes mean to the ones I love most.

I feel like I want to give up.
I feel tired.
I feel overwhelmed by the tiniest thing.
I feel alone.

I feel like I’m literally the only one feeling that way in that moment even though I know I’m not deep down. But, anxiety makes me feel like that.
I feel like I just would be better off if I could disappear.

I broke down yesterday. I fought with my husband. I slammed things, and finally collapsed in his arms into big heavy sobs last night. I cried it out like I tend to do, and somehow, woke up and the weight, the burden of anxiety, was just a little lighter. Yet, I feel guilt that he has to deal with it. He has to deal with me.

It’s not pretty to admit that you have anger issues. It feels like something that you should never talk about because it’s so shameful. What mother feels angry when her kid is playing happily in the next room? What kind of mother gets annoyed at the tiniest little thing and yells?

This mom does. And, it’s not something I’m proud of. In fact, sometimes I’m tempted to feel so ashamed by it that I want to disappear. I have had thoughts that my family would be better off without me many many times.

Jeffrey Holland said, “We are infinitely more than our limitations or our afflictions” I have to cling to that on the hard days when my eyes are puffy and I have to apologize (again) for how I acted.

I don’t know what the answer is, but I know that I don’t like feeling alone. I don’t like the sad, scary thoughts that creep in, and I know there is someone out there that is maybe crumbling, or barely holding their head above water.
Know that you aren’t alone either. We’ll get through the bad days because that’s what we have to do.

We have to fight. Because we are so much more than our anxiety. It does not define us. As much as it tries to. We are infinitely MORE than what is crippling us right now. Remember that, my friends. And, know I’m fighting too.

If you or someone you know might be struggling with anxiety, seek help. Deciding to go to therapy and then later taking medication was one of the best decisions I ever made.

This post originally appeared on Perfection Pending

Read more from Meredith Ethington here on her Facebook page Perfection Pending. Meredith Ethington is a writer and a mom to three, trying to help her kids understand sarcasm and her need for personal space. Meredith’s debut parenting book, Mom Life: Perfection Pending, provides an uplifting yet realistic look at all that is expected of moms in the 21st century. 

 

10 COMMENTS

  1. I totally get this. One of my worst parenting memories is yelling at my child for mixing the Play Doh colors.
    Yep. How ridiculous. And yet, I was enraged. My son looked up at me sadly and said “I don’t feel like playing
    with this anymore.” Horrible. Way to go, me. Then I was diagnosed and started on meds. What a difference.

  2. Hugs mama…..Every time you overcome you get stronger. Its hard dealing with anxiety in a country where there’s such a strong stigma attached to mental illness of any kind

  3. Oh how I wish I could be one of those people that shut down when their anxiety gets the best of them. Instead I turn into a screaming, raging lunatic and by the time I’m done I have no idea why I started yelling.

  4. The worst part for me?
    Seeing my daughter and how she’s acting. I’m pretty sure she suffers from anxiety (we see a doctor soon, and I’ll be bringing it up). And I just feel the weight of the world on my shoulders, thinking that I’ve “screwed up” my own daughter.

    • My 10 yr old son has Autism and very severe ADHD and his anxiety comes out the same way as mine. He yells and rages and his happens usually only at school and he can become violent ? he is on meds to help and receives therapy to help. My anxiety didn’t get as bad as it is until I started meds after I was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult.

  5. I’m so sorry that others feel this way. But I needed to see this today. It is hard to explain how you feel dealing with anxiety, anger and depression. I get angry over the smallest things and the most shameful to me is when my daughters want to hug me but I don’t want to be touched. I think if people who have lost their children and will never feel their touch again, yet here I am mad that my children want to hug me! Then, I get angrier, disgusted and overcome with guilt. God bless you all and don’t give in to the dark thoughts. Much love

LEAVE A REPLY

Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here