With the Christmas season behind us and 2015 looming only a few hours away, I thought about the gifts my kids had received this year. It made me a bit nostalgic about my own toys as a child and then it lead me down a path of inappropriateness. What are some of the worst toys ever? What gifts have we given to children and then later thought, WTF were we thinking? So here we go. Top 10 worst children’s toys over the past 30 years.

10. legofail

I am a big fan of most LEGO toys. They are extremely expensive, but they give my son hours of enjoyment! This however was an epic LEGO fail. Why are we having our children build a replica of an extermination camp? “Mom, why are there razor wire fences around the camp?” Really??? Come on LEGO.

9. straight jacket

Ahhh yes, the Lovely Straight Jacket. This is exactly what every little girl needs. “Susy, want to come over and play Insane Asylum with me? I’ll be the psychotic inmate today.”  It is super cozy and the suede straps really accentuate the piece. Kudos Control Toys.

8.nuse

 

The Be-dazzled noose. Well what do we really say about this Japanese toy? I guess we can sell it as a set with the Lovely Straight Jacket. It will add some flare to any game of “Insane Asylum.”

7. jarts

I must say that I was a big fan of Jarts. My brother and I had hours of fun, and at least one emergency room visit thanks to Jarts. You really can’t go wrong with metal tipped flying darts. I am positive we never read the directions and our sole purpose was to hit each other. Way to go Regent!

6. cribdribble

I am a big fan of anything that makes life easier with a new baby in the house. How about you purchase a Crib Dribbler for a family member or friend who is expecting. It clearly states on the box that it is perfect for: Kindex infant energy drink mix, water and juice, stew and cocoa, and formula or milk. I had a hamster as a child and this was the perfect feeding system. I personally only want what is best for my baby, and the less time I have to spend feeding him and holding him the better.

5. playdohpoop

Oh Play-Doh. You have brought me and now my children many years of fun and memories. I remember playing as a child and making pies and cakes. Now our lives can get even better with the ability to make perfectly shaped feces. What joy this has brought my children. They now have the ability to play with poop and feel no shame. I was so happy when my best friend bought it for my kids.

4. superman

Superman is one of the most beloved children’s super heroes. He can fly for crying out loud. But did you know he was also designed to snuggle and perform fellatio? That’s right. You can hug, and kiss, and then receive a happy ending. What a gem.

3. skipper

Thanks to this “Growing up Skipper” doll, I now know about puberty and breast development. I had no idea that I had to poke myself in the chest with a pencil to grow tits. Hang on…I’ll be right back, I need to try something.

2.o-PLAY-DOH-PENIS-facebook

This season Play-Doh made a lot of Mom’s and Dad’s a bit uncomfortable. I can’t really wrap my head around why. This is obviously a cake decorating tool. You should all be ashamed! This looks nothing like a throbbing hard penis. Get your mind right.

And the drum roll please….Which was provided by my four-year old who did in fact receive a drum set this year. Why it is not on the list you ask, well it was my stupidity that lead to the purchase. I should have know that the combination of the drum set and my five-year old daughters karaoke machine would in fact make my ears bleed. They sound less like the Partridge Family and more like grunge death metal on crack.

1. heisenberg

Toys R Us was selling this action figure of  a very popular television character this year. Breaking Bad’s main character Heisenberg, is seen here carrying a gun and a bag of crystal Meth. What a great way to introduce your children to both firearms and narcotics. There are several figures to choose from, including Heisenberg in his rubberized meth making suit. Available in many colors and styles. This is not only a chemistry lesson, but you can also have a legal discussion on felony drug possession. Toys R Us has been known to push educational toys.

I will always hold a special place in my heart for death inducing lawn games, and non-toxic dildos. However, as we usher in the new year I am optimistic to see what other gems we are in store for. Good luck Mattel, LEGO, Toys R Us, and the rest of you crazy ass psycho’s that make children’s toys. Impress me in 2015.