Have you ever really taken the time to listen to what your kids are saying? I find that the funniest part of my day usually comes from conversations I have with my kids. There is something pure and joyful from these interactions. Especially when my kids are discussing toilet humor and private parts.

Take a look at some recent conversations between myself and my kids. I also threw in a few conversation between my husband and I. He seems to think he is as funny as our children.

Bathroom Out Of Order
(Conversation with 5yr old)

5yr old: Mom, I gotta go and she is pooping.

Me: You need to wait.

5yr old: Can I sit on the seat behind her and poop.

Me: No, one person on the toilet at a time.

5yr old: Can I poop in the hole in the floor in the other bathroom.

Me: (yelling at 6yr old; Hurry up and finish!!!!)

~I never thought I would have to tell my kid that he couldn’t poop in the hole in the floor.

I Need Apples
(Conversation in car)

6yr old: Mom I need you to get me apple something for school tomorrow.

Me: Apple what?

6yr old: Anything but apple sauce. Like cider or something.

9yr old: Bring in some Angry Orchard. You have a ton of that in the fridge Mom.

Me: Ummm. No, Apple cider it is.

College and Babies
(In car on the way home from soccer)

6yr old: Mom, can a lady have a baby in college? Like before she’s married?

Me:

6yr old: Mom, can she?

9yr old: Of course not. The college wouldn’t permit that.

6yr old: How would YOU know?

9yr old: Because where would the baby stay all day? In the dorm? No, they wouldn’t allow it.

6yr old: The lady can take the baby to class with her.

9yr old: Seriously, take a baby to a calculus class. I don’t think so.

~I didn’t say a single word.

Did You forget something?
(Daily morning conversation with my husband)

Me: Someone will forget their shoes, backpack, homework, lunch every day. Why? Why must they drive me bat shit crazy?

Husband: They have learned from example.

Me:

Husband:

Me: See you after work.

Husband: You forgot your keys.

Chip off the emotionally stunted block.
(Conversation In the car)

6yr old: Mom, when will Uncle Eric be home?

Me: He flew in last night. Why, did you miss him?

6yr old: Will we see him today?

Me: I don’t know. Why, did you miss him?

6yr old: Is this the way to school?

Me: Yes. Did you miss him?

6yr old: Yes.

Me: Why wouldn’t you just say you missed him?

6yr old: Why do we have to talk about this.

~ My girl.

Talk amongst Yourselves
(Conversation between siblings)

4yr old: If I were a puppy, I would lick my balls all day long.

6yr old: Mom heard you.

4yr old: (Turns around to look at me.)

Me:

4yr old: I’m just sayin.

The Tattoo
(Conversation with 4 yr old)

4yr old: Mom please put on my tattoo. I got it for treasure box at school.

Me: Where do you want it?

4yr old: On my back.

Me: OK, where.

4yr old: (points to the small of his back)

6yr old: Mom, he wants it where you have your tattoo.

Me: Awesome

~My 4yr old wants a tramp stamp.

Getting dressed
(Conversation with 4 yr old)

Me: Buddy, you need to take off your pajamas before you put on your sneakers.

4yr old: But I’m so tired.

Me: Do you need help getting dressed?

4yr old: This is the worst day of my life.

Me: No buddy, that happens when you’re an adult.

4yr old: Do I have to wear underwear?

Me: Yes, the teachers requested that you do.

4 yr old: See, this is the worst day of my life.

Me: How about Star Wars cereal?

4yr old: This is the best day EVER!!!

*See people, it’s all about perspective.

The Sweater
(Conversation at school drop off)

Me: Where did you get that shirt?

6yr old: The dirty laundry pile.

Me: That means it’s dirty. Is that why you are wearing the sweater?

6yr old: Yes. I don’t like the other shirts.

Me: So you decided to wear a dirty shirt to school instead of one of the 27 clean ones in your closet?

6yr old: I guess you should have done the laundry.

~She was really lucky we were already at school.

Rough Monday.
(Conversation in minivan.)

Kid: Where are we going?

Me: To pick up your Brother.

Kid: No we’re not.

Me: Yes we are.

Kid: No we’re not.

Me: Yes we are. Stop saying that.

Kid: You drove past the school five minutes ago.

Me: Oh Sh#t!

Listen to your kids. They will probably say something pretty funny today.