I was sitting in Madison Square Garden watching P!NK storm the stage in an all-white ensemble like the angel goddess she is. She even flew in on strings like she was attached to a marionette—but let’s be real, P!NK is her own puppeteer and that’s why she is admired by many. She took my breath away as cheers and loud edgy-pop-inspiration filled the jam-packed arena.
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Some sections promptly stood up, as if P!NK’s all around magnetism pulled them off of their feet—and it did. Of course, my body had the same reaction, but I held myself back. The problem: I was in the inhibited section where everyone was clapping and bopping their heads in their seats, up and down, like bobble-head dolls, but no one dared to stand up.
I would normally feel comfortable in this area being an outgoing INTROVERT. I can be social and enjoy going out to concerts and interacting with new people at times, but it takes a lot out of me. It’s really in my moments alone where I am energized and recharged. I am not a live loud and dance like no one Is watching kind of girl by nature.
“Let’s stand up!” My sister-in-law shouted into my ear over the loud vibrato of P!NK’s magical vocals. I looked around, scoping the area, and found not one person in my section was blockading me and my lack-there-of-dance-moves. Everyone behind me would bear witness. I mean, me and my toddler dance to The Wiggles, but I wasn’t sure if all these people would be ready for those kinds of moves.
“I can’t, I am a terrible dancer,” I meekly replied taking a small sip of a cheap chardonnay that tasted like wet cardboard. Thought process: maybe liquid courage would help.
Then there was a voice saying isn’t this what P!NK stands for? Confidence, courage, and being you and not giving a hoot about who approves.
I reflected back at five years ago when I was at rock bottom with my eating disorder—listening to P!NK, attempting to empower myself—because I was too weak on my own. That’s what eating disorders do– they numb and stifle you. You are not really living. I survived for way too long afraid of making the wrong move, a misstep, terrified of what people would think.
My advice from years of being a member of the walking dead:
You have to put yourself out there and live.
It’s better to be laughed at or rejected than to not try. It’s better to love and get hurt than to be alone. If you don’t take chances and push yourself out of your comfort zone you will never be living and be experiencing. And then, what’s the point?
It’s kind of like with MOTHERHOOD. If you aren’t taking chances and making mistakes in the process, then you aren’t learning, living, and growing as a mom. You learn what works for your child through these missteps and successes by trial and error.
Bottom line: You have to get a little messy to get the overall best results. Get your hands dirty if you will.
When my daughter finger paints, I get extreme ANXIETY because finger paint can wind up in her hair (and it does) on her clothes, my clothes, walls of our home. But the reality of the situation: big deal. She takes a bath and it was a great time. She gets to learn a new creative skill, I have a keepsake, and everyone grows from it.
On that thought, “Funhouse,” started playing and I took my sister-in-law’s hand and said, “Let’s stand.” We danced and sashayed to the music as I tried my best not to think about the people around me. Then by “Just Give Me A Reason,” I was dancing with no regard for who was watching.
I don’t want my daughters to stand on the sidelines, observers, of their own life stories like I, was for far too long. I want them to be active participants–living life fully, messily and beautifully. I want them to choose to stand up.
This was why I faced my fears and stood up. And dare you to, too.
This post originally appeared on Living a Full Life After ED