Miscarriage Is A Liar

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“It’s 1 in 4,”

the doctor told me as I lay on the emergency room table, sobbing. He had just confirmed what I already suspected. The ultrasound machine dark beside him. The empty sonogram taunting me. I was in the midst of a miscarriage.

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“It’s 1 in 4,” she told me, as I sat in her exam room, 2 days later, looking for answers.

Had I done something to cause this?
Why had this happened?
Could I have prevented it? Was it that glass of wine I had before I knew I was pregnant? Should I have started taking prenatal vitamins sooner?
Would I ever be able to get pregnant again?

Miscarriage is a liar.

There was SO MUCH GUILT. And grief. And what-ifs. I mourned the loss of my baby, the loss of a son or daughter for my husband, the loss of a sibling for my daughter.

Sure, we knew there was the possibility something could go wrong. It’s the reason we hadn’t even told anyone we were pregnant yet. We were waiting for that magic 12-week mark. The end of the risky first trimester.

Only, we didn’t REALLY think there was a chance WE’D LOSE THE BABY. OUR baby.

But you guys, it’s 1 in 4. And I had no idea.

“It’s for the best.”
“Obviously there was something wrong with the fetus.”
“It wasn’t meant to be.”
“Everything happens for a reason.”
“At least it happened early on.”
“You can always have another baby.”
“At least you have your daughter.”
“Just think of all the fun you’ll have trying again.”

While people meant well, none of these words helped to take away the pain and the grief and the anger I felt towards myself, my body, and God.

I had mis-carried. I had fumbled and dropped something that I should have held on to.

I had failed.

But that’s the lie, isn’t it?

Because it’s 1 in 4. It’s so much more common than we think or hear about.

Miscarriage can happen to anyone.

Anyone. Once I started talking about my own miscarriage I discovered I was not alone. So many women had experienced it before me, some were experiencing it with me. And I’ve had numerous friends who have experienced it after me.

Knowing it’s 1 in 4 doesn’t lessen the loss but it does help to normalize an experience that feels a million miles outside of normal.

What is normal about miscarriage?

The anger, the guilt, the tears, the physical pain, the loneliness, the fear, the unfairness of it all, the isolation, the feeling of being less than a woman, the emptiness. The overwhelming grief. For what was, and what you dreamed would be.

Miscarriage is a liar.

It tells you you’re not good enough, strong enough, worthy enough, woman enough. But it’s got it all wrong. You are all these things, before and after.

It’s 1 in 4. I am 1 in 4. Your neighbor, your mother, your sister, your friend, is 1 in 4.

Break the silence.

“It’s 1 in 4,” the doctor told me as I lay on the emergency room table, sobbing. He had just confirmed what I already…

Posted by Heidi Hamm, Writer on Wednesday, September 19, 2018

2 COMMENTS

  1. I will NEVER let my babies be ignored or forgotten or disrespected.

    Lost my 3 (a single and a set of twins) biracial (Mexican) Angels when I was in Okinawa in 2006. Lost my 4th biracial (black) Angel in 2009 when I was with 1st Intel BN. I loved and would have gladly raised all 4 of them but the 5 of us were meant to do bigger things and those precious babies shaped me as a mother for their two little brothers. I feel like I have even more appreciation and compassion for Logan and Decklan because I lost them. They allowed me to grow up a little more, they allowed me time to spread my wings before my Rainbow Logan, I experienced the greatest loss so that I could truly cherish my boys.

    Some people in my family and friends dont appreciate that I share my motherhood journey so openly, some of them are racists and have made ignorant comments about why they think I had mixed babies, some of them are insecure about themselves so much so that they think I should just never bring up that I lost my Angels before my husband and I met and had children. Lance has even told me that I wasnt a mother until Logan was born, that he doesnt like that I talk about wondering what my babies would have looked like, what traits they would have, their personalities.

    IDGAF, how telling my story make anyone else feels because ya know what?! Sharing my story, grief, and strength has HELPED others who have gone through the same heartbreak.

    I AM A PROUD MOTHER OF SIX!
    I AM A PROUD MOTHER OF BIRACIAL BABIES!
    I AM 1 IN 4!

    #PAILAWARENESS

  2. The 1-4 is why I wish more women would talk about pregnancy before the 12 weeks. That fact that we don’t almost adds to the taboo. If we could talk about our pregnancies earlier, the ones that go the 40 weeks AND the ones that end with angel babies then as next generations start going through their own experiences they’d know that they aren’t alone in whatever experience they do have. I’ve had two pregnancies, one ended in miscarriage, the other my beautiful daughter. This time around I didn’t wait to share … because I had wished that I had been mire open about the baby I losses.

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