My husband has a very close group of friends from college that he stays in daily communication with. I refer to them as his “girlfriends.” They have a sacred “Text chain” where they converse about all of life’s important topics, such as when they last had sex, which soccer or football team won last night, the last time they took a shit, etc. I have never seen this secret communication, but I am positive that they are constantly trying to as I say “Out Douche” each other. It goes without saying that they are “Man Card” carrying kind of men.

I will briefly describe his cohort. J is a self-proclaimed chubby play boy whose game is less like Michael Jordan’s and more like Screech from Saved by the bell. T, who we call the silver fox, is a fun-loving guy who my grandmother has repeatedly hit on at family events. D, was once a fresh faced young boy, but has morphed into a dirty old man who has a girlfriend 12 years his junior. She was his kid’s summer camp counselor. The last of his friends is Z; he is the holy grail of douchery. He once got mad because I chained his dog up outside after he shit in the house. He proceeded to tell me that he was going to tie my toddler to a tree because he also shits inside the house. The five of them together are a giant middle-aged cluster fuck.

Last week one member of the brain trust sent my husband an article about how semen has vital nutrients and minerals that women need to stay healthy and vibrant. My husband sent me the article with the caption “Read this, it may save your life.” Before opening the article I thought to myself; wow, my husband must have found an article about being safe in public, or something about food or childcare safety. I opened the article to find a recent “study” on why women should ingest semen on a daily basis. It outlined several of the benefits including, improved skin appearance, sleeping better, weight loss, and so much more.

I was floored at what a great piece of medical truth he had found. I asked him which medical journal he found this bit of world-changing wisdom in, and he simply stated “It’s a reputable source”.  He sweetly continued with “I know that you would feel so much better after a good night’s sleep, which is a benefit that is clearly stated in this article.” What a thoughtful husband I have.  “You’re right sweetie, but I know you need the sleep more than I do, since you work so hard, so I will save it for you in a Tupperware and you can drink it.” His reply was calm and clear, “It is only beneficial to women.” Oh yes, of course.

Since the publishing of this ground breaking research, women across the globe must be going crazy trying to find men who can give them this potion. Watch for headlines in your local papers and news stations, “Woman tackles co-worker and sucks him dry.” Ponce De Leon was right. There is a fountain of youth, and it has been inside of men’s pants for centuries.  Women, we have an endless supply of magic juice at our fingertips. The cure for all our ails, right between your man’s legs. Now I know why when I tell my husband that I have a headache he always says, “I’ve got something for that” with pure confidence.

Now back to reality, the place where I live. I must ask, where do men find this shit, and why do they think that we will believe them when they send us this award-winning journalism? I am convinced that when men go to get “trained” to obtain their “Man Card” they go through a series of programs that teach them how to do the following; tailgating, snoring, fondling, crude humor, use of the infamous “C” word, never asking for directions, and of course educating women on the benefits of semen.

As soon as my husband can give me a copy of a report from the World Health Organization on the benefits of semen ingestion that clearly include; weight loss, better sleep, improved skin appearance, and growing bigger tits, I will happily pretend his junk is a Slurpee machine and go to town.

I understand that the “Man Card” is a very important piece of mythical paper, but come on guys, find articles that are a bit more believable to send your wives. Or try taking out the trash, doing the dishes, and folding some laundry. I bet your semen dispenser may look like a Slurpee when she comes home and you were the one who cleaned the house. Personally, nothing gets me hotter than seeing my man scrub a pot while I sit on the couch downing a bottle of wine.

So I beg of you men. Please go back to whatever organization gave you your precious “Man Card” and revisit the curriculum. Please tell whoever is in charge at “Man Card University” to change it up a bit. How about some professional learning on “Ten ways to properly eat a taco.” That might be an interesting session. Throw in bringing your wife flowers, emptying the dishwasher, perhaps getting the kids dressed for bed without screaming like a lunatic. Any or all of those would be greatly appreciated by all of woman kind. So until semen is marketed as a weight loss drug or sleep aid, please use the head on your shoulders to find a better way to entice your woman to sip on your Slurpee.