Facebook has been inundated with photos of playful elves. You know the photos that I am talking about, the elf is pooping out marshmallows, or leaving shaving cream messages. Those elves are so mischievous, such little scamps. Well, this past weekend my families elf apparently took several selfies. I received these photos in my email this morning. I was not pleased to say the least. Below you will find the letter with inappropriate photos that was sent to me from our naughty Elf.

Dear Host Family,

I hope you had a great weekend. I am loving your pad. I had a blast meeting new people. I just wanted to send a few pics to show you what a wonderful time I had. Your kids are spoiled brats by the way, totally on the naughty list. Here are a few selfies I snapped to show you what I did while you were away. Thanks for the hospitality.

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“Those Barbies sure know how to have a good time. I Love those chicks. You should probably re-think letting your 6 yr old daughter play with those girls. They had some issues making good choices.”

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“Willie and I had a great time cruzin in the Chevy with Barbie riding bitch.”

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“That Nutcracker is such a dick. He would not give me a straight answer.”

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“Frosty was not frosty at all, if you know what I mean.”

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“The Mistletoe worked like a charm, as if I needed any help.”

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“I am positive I will bag Rudolph this season. Santa can kiss it. Let Dasher have a shot at driving that rickety old sleigh. Poor Dasher, always the brides maid, never the bride.”

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“Barbie be like…Pizza for dinner. I had to lay down the law and tell her, “Cook a meal shorty or I will drop you like it’s hot.”

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“Batman was PISSED! What a tool. Barbie told me he was at some type “Justice League Convention.”

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“It’s duck season. Enough said.”

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“That fat waiter had no idea what his Friday night was going to turn out to be.”


“Freaking fox. He wouldn’t even give me a clue. Those Swedish bastards sang that stupid song all the way to the bank. I bet they bought a ton of those delicious Swedish fish.”

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“Three blondes and some booze. It was magical.”

I am already calling dibs on your house next year.

Love, Elfie

So if you think your Elf is an inconvenient house guest this season, think again. You could have gotten Elfie, the beer drinking, Barbie defiling, buck hunting, snowman sodomite from the North Pole.