How many times have you asked, or been asked the question, “Can I ask you a favor?”  Sometimes it is a very small errand, other times it’s a life changer. You can tell the kind of favor by the way the person asks. If the person asks the favor quickly and does not change their tone, it is most likely an easy favor that will not put too much stress on your life. “Can you drop me off at the mechanics after work?” That is a simple favor. We are both already at the same place and I will in fact be passing the mechanic, so the answer is yes. If the person is slow to ask the favor, their voice gets higher, or they say can you sit down, we need to talk before they ask; it is most likely a rough one.  “I don’t want to bother you but, are you using both kidneys? If not I could use one.” That in fact would be a big favor, a game changer.

I am guilty of asking for both easy and difficult favors. I hate asking people to help me out, but sometimes my hot mess express of a life requires an interventional response team. What makes me a bad person is that I will ask a favor, but I do not want to return that favor when it is requested. Last week a friend of mine watched two of my kids so my husband and I could spend the day together. It was so nice to be out in public and go to the places we wanted to go.  We ate breakfast without taking anyone to the bathroom, we walked around an outdoor shopping center and I didn’t have to scream ‘Don’t run into the parking lot you’re going to get smashed by a car.” It was peaceful and more fun than I remembered. We shopped and bought items for ourselves, played grab-ass in the clothing racks, and I even giggled as my husband crop dusted fellow shoppers and then ran like a child. I was grateful for the time, but unaware that a return favor was coming quickly.

My friend called panicked the other day asking if I could help her out, her voice was seven octaves higher than normal. Alarm bells should have gone off in my head. “Warning! She wants something. Hang up before it’s too late.”  She “forgot” that she was going out-of-town for the evening and needed me to watch her dog. I have three kids and a dog of my own. The last thing I want in my house is another thing that shits and pisses. I did not want to say yes. I very frankly wanted to say “Hell no, and go fuck yourself.” However, she is a good friend and had just done me a big favor. So I hesitantly said yes and she brought the dog over.

The dog was dropped with a kennel, food bag, and dish. As soon as she placed in the kennel the barking began. It was the kind of barking that makes nails on a chalk board seem like a welcoming sound. I was not able to keep her in the kennel, so I brought her inside. My dog was livid. She had that “Bitch you better get the fuck out my crib” look on her face. She began to follow around the other dog, sniffing and barking at her. Both dogs walked into the kitchen, circled the floor and shit simultaneously.  Shit-fest 2014 had officially begun.  After picking up the heaping pile of shit from both dogs, I took them outside and left them on the patio. As I was working in my office I look out to see them running across the patio to the corner and both squat to pee. Awesome. I love doing favors. Favors are the best!

That night I couldn’t lock the dog in the kennel because she barked as though she was being skinned. I figured she would sleep on the dog bed in our room, which is how the night started out. My dog was not happy with her being in the room but they both fell asleep and so did I. Unfortunately I woke up the next morning to my husband screaming at the dog who was mid-shit in our closet. There is nothing like jumping out of bed at 5:00 A.M. to clean up a hot pile of dog feces. Favors rock!

That morning I had to drop the kids at school so I mistakenly put the dog in the bathroom. I figured I could lock her in there since I do that with my dog. I was wrong. When I got home to let the dog out I found a river of urine, a pile of shredded towels, and the towel rack pulled off of the bathroom door. This 16 pound Terrier Mutt was like the ravenous beast “Cudjo” on steroids. I could not believe that this dog had survived for so long. If it were my animal I would have done the humane things years ago and “Driven it to the farm up-state.” Don’t get me wrong, I am a dog person, but what the fuck!!!! Favors are my favorite.

After cleaning up the bathroom mess, I gave the dog a bath. She was soaked in piss and I was not going to let her walk around my house with wet urine paws. I then put both dogs back on the patio where they played another round of “Who is going to shit on that first.” Later on I decided to go for a run and I was smart enough to put the dog in the crate. She was barking but I wasn’t going to be home so who cared. When I returned I opened the garage door and found the dog once again covered in urine in the cage with her dog bed torn up in a million pieces. I had to hose out the kennel, throw out the dog bed, and hose the dog down again. My friend called about 20 minutes later and said she was on her way. I had only had the dog for 24 hours but it seemed like a fucking week. I packed up her shit and sat it outside by the curb. Favors are the best when they are finished.

When my friend arrived we sat and talked for a few minutes. I was blunt about the dog’s behavior and she apologized and explained that the dog has anxiety and separation issues. The anxiety the dog was feeling should be real, I wanted to kill it. I did my best to bite my tongue, because as I stated this is a fiend and she did take care of my kids last week. Although, I don’t think either of my kids shit on her floor repeatedly, or pissed on her bathroom towels. I will have to ask them what they did to her for her to repay me with this favor. Either way favors suck if they involve a breathing, shitting mammal.

So I urge you to be mindful when asking people to do favors. I really do want to be a good friend and help people out, but not if it requires that I pick up ten pounds of animal shit. I do not want to be a wildlife biologist or a veterinarian. I have plenty of organisms that shit at my house; I do not need another one. Here is a list of favors that you can ask me. Ask me for a small amount of money, or perhaps to pick you up a coffee. Ask me to iron a shirt or drop you at the doctors. Ask me to do your grocery shopping or even pick up your mail, but please do not ask me to watch your fucking dog.