I Don’t Miss Those Days

With the holidays quickly approaching I have had to spend more time than I like with my kids in retail stores and restaurants. I try very hard to run errands without my children. If I am planning to go out to a store with my kids, I need to add at least 1.5 hours to my total trip time. That time accounts for bathroom breaks, snack stops, public meltdowns, etc. The holidays only amplify the crazy that exists in my family. Anytime I go out with all three kids it’s like I am using a megaphone to tell the...

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Paper or Plastic?

Grocery shopping is a necessary evil. We need food to survive; therefore we must go out and purchase the food. While at Publix last week I began unloading my items onto the conveyor belt. The bag boy politely asked, “Paper or plastic?” As I answered his question I saw the cashier out of the corner of my eye. She had a somewhat shocked look on her face. I didn’t pay much attention to her due to the fact that I was battling with my children over who was going to place the items on the belt. One kid was...

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DIY…Really?

I am not a crafty person. I am however a fan of the DIY network and anything on the HGTV. I love to watch people turn a piece of junk into something a gay antique collector would spend top dollar on. I have spent countless hours watching savvy home flipping couples as well as those Canadian hunks “The Property Brothers.” I am a bit confused with Canada as a result of their many home improvement shows. Every time I watch an episode I see some first time couple buying a $500,000 home. What do people in Canada do for...

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An Open Letter to My Pediatric Dentist

Dear Pediatric Dentist, I left your office today feeling violated and confused. After I received my bill for the 20 minute visit, the front desk associate had to administer smelling salts so I could get up off the ground. I am positive I pay for dental insurance for the three cash cows that you treat in your office. I spend over a thousand dollars a year for coverage, yet I was handed a bill for over $200 for a cleaning on one child and a filling on another. You do understand that the children have baby teeth and that...

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“I’m Done”

I remember being a kid and my Mom telling me that she was going to run away so she could be left alone. She also told us that she was going to change her name to a four letter word so we could no longer scream for her. She would say “My name is now shit, so if you call my name you will be smacked in the mouth for cursing.”  I remember thinking how awful that was and why on earth she would say such horrible things to her loving children. 25 years later I now know why...

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Can I Ask You A Favor?

How many times have you asked, or been asked the question, “Can I ask you a favor?”  Sometimes it is a very small errand, other times it’s a life changer. You can tell the kind of favor by the way the person asks. If the person asks the favor quickly and does not change their tone, it is most likely an easy favor that will not put too much stress on your life. “Can you drop me off at the mechanics after work?” That is a simple favor. We are both already at the same place and I will in fact be...

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Man Card

My husband has a very close group of friends from college that he stays in daily communication with. I refer to them as his “girlfriends.” They have a sacred “Text chain” where they converse about all of life’s important topics, such as when they last had sex, which soccer or football team won last night, the last time they took a shit, etc. I have never seen this secret communication, but I am positive that they are constantly trying to as I say “Out Douche” each other. It goes without saying that they are “Man Card” carrying kind of men. I...

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Are You A Public Pooper?

I can safely say that I have gone number two in a public bathroom only a few times in my life. I hate public restrooms. They are filthy and riddled with germs and bacteria. I would always wait to go home and enjoy the safety of my porcelain throne, away from the amebic dysentery that could jump on your pant leg in the restroom at Burger King.  I always had control over where and when I wanted to use the bathroom, that was until I had kids. If I had to go bad enough, I could leave and go home,...

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#stanktona

Every year millions of hard body hot co-eds flock to the beaches of Florida for one reason…..Spring Break. Spring Break is a time of fun in the sun and drunken debauchery.  When you discuss spring break most people think of one place, Daytona Beach, the holy grail of inebriated one night stands. When I was in college I never made a spring break trip to Daytona Beach.  I have lived in Florida my entire life and had never once been there, that was until this past summer. I was so excited to have a weekend getaway with friends this...

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Is Your Merkin Smirkin?

With the current divorce rate over 50% in the United States, couples often look for ways to keep their marriage fresh and exciting. It’s kind of like professional development for your love life, a constant continuing educational program to keep you out of  divorce court. I have been married for 11 years, and have been in a relationship with my husband for over 18 years.  I also recently heard that the seven-year itch has been replaced with the five-year itch, and more and more couples are dabbling in the world of swinging. Yes, swinging! You know 1970’s keys in the...

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What If Once Were Enough?

*From this point forward in my blog I will be referring to my children as number one, number two, and number three, just like I do at home.   I had a very trying weekend. I found myself asking the same questions over and over. I had several arguments about teeth brushing, cleaning up toys, going to bed, and fist fighting. It led me to a question that left me quietly sedated while on the couch watching TV. “What if once were enough?” What would happen if I asked my kids or my husband to do something once, and...

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Reality Not

It seems like every day a new reality TV show pops up. There are shows that display the daily lives of celebrities, Moms that can’t dance, so they force their kids to, and poor lost souls who hoard and live in filth. I am over reality television. I am sick and tired of watching the Kardashians bitch over their rough lives and watch as they spend more money then I will ever make in my lifetime. Whose reality is this? Who do you know that can go into a store and spend without limits without getting their car repossessed, or the credit card companies...

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Poopy the Coon

Have you ever sat back and thought about the fairy tales that we tell our children. The Grimm Brothers were most definitely grim and their tales are frightening to me even as a grown adult. Think about it. Hansel and Gretel; the story of a creepy old woman, who steals children, and takes them into the woods. Feeding them like cattle, getting them ready for slaughter, to become a winter’s stew.  Snow White; a young girl whose mother dies and father marries a wicked woman who eventually becomes queen. After the father dies of a “suspicious death” she decides...

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Can I Borrow Your Breast Milk?

I would like to start this blog off with a statement; I was once a first time Mom. If this story offends you, please keep reading, I promise you will take something out of it. You may want to send me some hate mail afterward, feel free. However, my point in writing this is that we were all first time Mom’s and there are plenty of lessons to be learned.  With that being said, I want to share a story of transition that comes with motherhood. I was sitting with a group of friends the other day talking about our kids, husbands,...

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8 Hours

It was a Monday morning after an exhausting weekend. I looked down and saw my gas light lite up like Christmas morning. Awesome, I am on my way to drop the kids at school and as usual we will be late. I haven’t been on time for anything in the past ten years. I honestly can’t remember an event where I was first to arrive. I pulled into the gas station and jumped out of the car to fill up the Hot Mom Machine. I swipe my credit card and it asks me a very simple question. “Please enter zip code”...

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Did you play sports in college?

I am officially at the point in my life where going anywhere to do anything that is not accompanied by my children or husband is a secret relief.  No matter what I am doing, it seems that someone wants to take my peace and quiet away. I can’t even take a shit without several people walking in and asking nonsensical questions. If I do lock the doorknob, my toddler slips his cute little fingers under the door, giving me the two-minute warning. You know the one, “get your ass out of there or we are going to burn the house down...

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Captain Underpants

This past weekend I attended a family gathering that we have hosted for the past nine years. We live in a small town with a R.V. park that has an annual Halloween fest. Each year will haul the trailer out to the site and drink, eat, and camp until we pass out. Four years ago it turned into a birthday party for my youngest son because it fell on his birthday. This year I was getting the kids ready for the weekend asking what they were going to be for Halloween. My daughter, Queen Elsa from Frozen, my youngest, Batman, and...

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Did you know your husband might be a genius?

This may sound strange, but your husband might be a genius. How do I know this you might ask? Well, my husband is so smart that he knows what I need even before I do. Let me give you a few examples… Last week I walked in from the grocery store with my three blessings. Unbeknownst to me, I had dog crap on the bottom of my shoe, which I proceeded to track through the entire house.  I look down at my shirt and realize that I have some type of bodily fluid smeared across my clothes, the most...

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2 for 1? Yes Please!!

Often I will have friends ask me if they should have a third child. If they haven’t heard the story of my third at this point I fill them in. The Christmas holiday of 2009 was crazy. It was my daughters first Christmas. She was adorable, 10 months old, and my son a super excited almost three year old big boy. To say I played a demanding role in my family would be an understatement. Everyone comes to me with their issues and complaints. They are often disappointed due to the fact that I give them a sarcastic comment...

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Do you every wonder…”Why do my children hate me?”

As a mother of three young children, this question pops into my mind on a daily basis. “Why do my children hate me?”  How can my sweet beautiful curly haired five year old turn into Dr. Jeckel in less than 30 seconds? Why does she think I am trying to kill her when I put her socks and shoes on in the morning before school? Why does she think the morning routine is a diabolical plan?   You wake up before dawn to wake them with a good morning song and it is almost a guarantee that one of...

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