Why I’m Jealous of My Divorced Friends

Divorce is a part of life. I have many divorced friends. Over the past 12 years I have seen at least half of my married friends relationships end in divorce. Divorce is sad, causes a lot of pain, and is a very difficult process. I am not jealous of any of that portion of the divorce. I am however jealous of the happy, after the fact divorced friends of mine who share custody of their children. I am in no way jealous of divorced full-custody parents who have to go it alone. Those people are saints. I am going...

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Where I Came From

I am officially 9 months away from 35. I have been happily and unhappily married for 11 years. I have three beautiful, healthy, often ill-behaved kids. I have a super cool dog. I have really great friends. What a journey. With the ringing in of the new year, and all of the resolutions and positive vibes being splashed all over Facebook and twitter it made me realize… I finally know who I am. Whew…. I thought I would never get here. With that being said, I wanted to start the new year with a recap of how I got...

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Top 10 Worst Children’s Toys

With the Christmas season behind us and 2015 looming only a few hours away, I thought about the gifts my kids had received this year. It made me a bit nostalgic about my own toys as a child and then it lead me down a path of inappropriateness. What are some of the worst toys ever? What gifts have we given to children and then later thought, WTF were we thinking? So here we go. Top 10 worst children’s toys over the past 30 years. 10.  I am a big fan of most LEGO toys. They are extremely expensive,...

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Christmas Eve Stress

Twas the night before Christmas, my house is a mess My kids were up at 6AM, this Momma is stressed There up my ass early with no time to spare In hopes that a jolly fat man soon will be there These children all sugared up like crack heads I can’t picture a universe with them in their beds My hubby still passed out, sawing some trees No naps in my future, not sure when I’ll get some ZZZZ’s When out in the road I heard such a clatter Oh hell no, family already, such a distressing matter Away...

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How Do You Match Up?

We are quickly inching in on 2015. In this day and age I personally find it very difficult and demanding to be a wife, mother, and full time work at home employee. I wear several different hats and I am constantly juggling various activities. Today I received a text from a friend with the following document in it. It is a scoring sheet on rating a woman on her ability to be a superior wife and mother. This way you can score her before you purchase the cow so to speak. Take a look at the chart. It was the standard...

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Baby, It’s Cold Outside

This morning was a knock down drag out fight as usual. It has gotten a bit chilly in the mornings and as I was getting the kids ready my daughter came out in shorts and a short sleeve shirt. I asked her to change into pants and grab her jacket. She immediately began to cry, scream and complain that she was not cold. Here is the interaction that followed. And yes, we sang it as though we live in a musical. Daughter ——– Mother I really don’t care — Baby it’s cold outside I really want to wear —...

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Oh Christmas Crap

It’s Christmas time, sing along. Oh Christmas Crap Oh Christmas Crap You’ve taken over my house Unwrapped gifts and bows galore The Gingerbread house has hit the floor Oh Christmas Crap Oh Christmas Crap You’ve spread like the Ebola I can’t wait to box you up Look another UPS delivery truck Oh Christmas Crap Oh Christmas Crap I think I’ve sank the budget What do you mean I forgot someone? Here’s a stocking I’ll fill it with rum Oh Christmas Crap Oh Christmas Crap I think it’s time to get my Grinch on No stop! Don’t eat that! My...

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The Naughty Elf On The Shelf

Facebook has been inundated with photos of playful elves. You know the photos that I am talking about, the elf is pooping out marshmallows, or leaving shaving cream messages. Those elves are so mischievous, such little scamps. Well, this past weekend my families elf apparently took several selfies. I received these photos in my email this morning. I was not pleased to say the least. Below you will find the letter with inappropriate photos that was sent to me from our naughty Elf. Dear Host Family, I hope you had a great weekend. I am loving your pad. I...

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Chris Cringle: Jolly or Creepy?

With December upon us, I have seen many pictures on Facebook of crying erratic children trying to get away from Santa Claus. I giggle and grin because I remember this same traumatic event occurring with each of my children. This caused me a pause and think about the legends that we tell our kids during the holiday season. First we have the Elf on the Shelf. He is a tiny magical man who flies to your home to watch your children and report back to Santa to compile a list of naughty and nice children. Next we have the...

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Elf Assault

It amazes me how telling a child not to touch something turns it into the most coveted object on the planet. This weekend our Elf on the Shelf returned to our home. I am positive that my 8 year old does not believe in this, but he is being a trooper and playing along for the other two. This morning while I was getting dressed I heard the kids talking in the living room. “Touch the Elf, go on, touch him” Said my daughter to my youngest son. “Throw an ornament from the tree and hit him, let’s see...

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The Harvest

It’s Thanksgiving Eve, there’s a crap ton to do. Did you take the turkey out of the freezer? Oh hell no, I asked you! Better get that bird in the tub, he’ll be frozen till June. No one likes an arctic bird, I know we will call him Elsa, I bet he can sing quite a tune. We have green-beans and cranberries, I see giblets galore. Quick…5 second rule, I just dropped the stuffing on the floor. The rolls are real sticky, the potatoes turned brown. It’s OK, don’t sweat it, the family will be drunk as we pass...

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I Don’t Miss Those Days

With the holidays quickly approaching I have had to spend more time than I like with my kids in retail stores and restaurants. I try very hard to run errands without my children. If I am planning to go out to a store with my kids, I need to add at least 1.5 hours to my total trip time. That time accounts for bathroom breaks, snack stops, public meltdowns, etc. The holidays only amplify the crazy that exists in my family. Anytime I go out with all three kids it’s like I am using a megaphone to tell the...

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Paper or Plastic?

Grocery shopping is a necessary evil. We need food to survive; therefore we must go out and purchase the food. While at Publix last week I began unloading my items onto the conveyor belt. The bag boy politely asked, “Paper or plastic?” As I answered his question I saw the cashier out of the corner of my eye. She had a somewhat shocked look on her face. I didn’t pay much attention to her due to the fact that I was battling with my children over who was going to place the items on the belt. One kid was...

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DIY…Really?

I am not a crafty person. I am however a fan of the DIY network and anything on the HGTV. I love to watch people turn a piece of junk into something a gay antique collector would spend top dollar on. I have spent countless hours watching savvy home flipping couples as well as those Canadian hunks “The Property Brothers.” I am a bit confused with Canada as a result of their many home improvement shows. Every time I watch an episode I see some first time couple buying a $500,000 home. What do people in Canada do for...

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An Open Letter to My Pediatric Dentist

Dear Pediatric Dentist, I left your office today feeling violated and confused. After I received my bill for the 20 minute visit, the front desk associate had to administer smelling salts so I could get up off the ground. I am positive I pay for dental insurance for the three cash cows that you treat in your office. I spend over a thousand dollars a year for coverage, yet I was handed a bill for over $200 for a cleaning on one child and a filling on another. You do understand that the children have baby teeth and that...

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“I’m Done”

I remember being a kid and my Mom telling me that she was going to run away so she could be left alone. She also told us that she was going to change her name to a four letter word so we could no longer scream for her. She would say “My name is now shit, so if you call my name you will be smacked in the mouth for cursing.”  I remember thinking how awful that was and why on earth she would say such horrible things to her loving children. 25 years later I now know why...

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Can I Ask You A Favor?

How many times have you asked, or been asked the question, “Can I ask you a favor?”  Sometimes it is a very small errand, other times it’s a life changer. You can tell the kind of favor by the way the person asks. If the person asks the favor quickly and does not change their tone, it is most likely an easy favor that will not put too much stress on your life. “Can you drop me off at the mechanics after work?” That is a simple favor. We are both already at the same place and I will in fact be...

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Man Card

My husband has a very close group of friends from college that he stays in daily communication with. I refer to them as his “girlfriends.” They have a sacred “Text chain” where they converse about all of life’s important topics, such as when they last had sex, which soccer or football team won last night, the last time they took a shit, etc. I have never seen this secret communication, but I am positive that they are constantly trying to as I say “Out Douche” each other. It goes without saying that they are “Man Card” carrying kind of men. I...

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Are You A Public Pooper?

I can safely say that I have gone number two in a public bathroom only a few times in my life. I hate public restrooms. They are filthy and riddled with germs and bacteria. I would always wait to go home and enjoy the safety of my porcelain throne, away from the amebic dysentery that could jump on your pant leg in the restroom at Burger King.  I always had control over where and when I wanted to use the bathroom, that was until I had kids. If I had to go bad enough, I could leave and go home,...

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#stanktona

Every year millions of hard body hot co-eds flock to the beaches of Florida for one reason…..Spring Break. Spring Break is a time of fun in the sun and drunken debauchery.  When you discuss spring break most people think of one place, Daytona Beach, the holy grail of inebriated one night stands. When I was in college I never made a spring break trip to Daytona Beach.  I have lived in Florida my entire life and had never once been there, that was until this past summer. I was so excited to have a weekend getaway with friends this...

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Scoop the Poop

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