Just last week, I was sprucing up the ‘ol bush, like the Edward Scissor Hands that I am, when some whining at the shower door startled me. With a swift, and unfortunate, swoop of the razor I was left sporting an odd yet innovative, new look.
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I looked down at my bald-in-the-middle muff and immediately named its new look:
The Dr. Phil
Well, my unintentional, talk-show-host-inspired style got me to thinking. Maybe other ladies would like some fresh, new, easy-to-create bush styles to try out! I mean, why simply rid ourselves of the stragglers when we can give our lady gardens a completely unique makeover? And why wouldn’t we take inspiration from well-known public figures, in the process?
Perhaps Public-Figure-Inspired Pubic Art will even become a hot new trend. So hop on board, ladies, and get creating:
8 Must-Try Lady Garden Styles:
1 | The Dr. Phil
This style features a bald centre and some neatly trimmed side-hair throughout the surrounding area. It’s a unique look; one that has that special “wow” factor. You (and your mate) can be sure to have a few chuckles, at your muff’s expense, with this snazzy, one-of-a kind style.
2 | The Full Montel (Williams)
This one involves the complete removal of all hair and would be a good follow-up style for those ladies who’ve taken a chance on the Dr. Phil yet, for whatever reason, aren’t loving it. The Full Montel is a smooth, clean look bound to make you feel svelte though perhaps a bit chilly.
3 | The Donald Trump
This one is somewhat terrifying, and definitely ridiculous. It involves a removable patch of faux fur. This TOUPEE FOR YOU PU-SSAY, comes in handy for ladies who have committed to the Full Montel but soon find themselves regretful of their choice. This is a temporary fix, however, and may in fact lead to rashes, infections, and a Fanta-like-effect on the skin.
4 | The Richard Simmons
This style has a 70s feel to it and involves a simple trimming of the sides only. The focal point is the mini-fro itself. This may require a touch of backcombing in order to achieve the fullest body. The genuine disco-vibe, emanating from the frontal fro, is sure to put some groove in your step. So make good use of it by hitting the club scene or, at the least, taking part in an aerobics class.
5 | The Mr. T
Similar to the “landing strip” of the 90s, but with greater girth, this style involves a wide, carefully quaffed, strip of pubic hair. The strip should be centrally located, and as 3D as possible while the surrounding area should be completely smooth. The Mr. T would make an ideal pre-style, to the Full Montel.
6 | The George Washington
Bald on top and quite full-bodied with some length on the sides, this style suits mature ladies with a full-on white set of pubes. Yet, no matter the colour, the concept can work for anyone and is bound to make you feel very important, indeed.
7 | The Einstein
Fluff that muff and give it that flyaway, eccentric genius look. Dab on a splash of baby powder for the full Albert effect and get calculating!
8 | The Uncle Jessie (The younger years version)
Who doesn’t chuckle when they see a mullet? Even the word “mullet” cracks me up. So why not create the classic Full House star’s 80s look on your own bush? Business in the front, party in the back has never made more sense than it does right. This. Second.
So, come on ladies. Let’s get a bit wild and cray-zay with some fun Public-Figure-Inspired Pubic Art. These bush quaffs are fun and certain to bring a few laughs into your life and the life of your lover. Who knows? It may be the creative outlet you’ve been searching for …
(Note, experimenting with any of the above styles is not recommended prior to a doctor’s appointment for a pap smear. It’s especially uncomfortable when the doc has a young male medical student observing that day. The Dr. Phil is not quite as snazzy under such conditions, or so I’ve heard …)
This post originally appeared on BLUNTmoms.
Shannon Day is a Toronto-based freelance writer & co-author of Martinis & Motherhood: Tales of Wonder, Woe & WTF?! a fun and relatable anthology/martini guide for moms. Her words and wit can be found at several online sites and in print. Connect with Shannon on FB & Twitter.