I was once a spring-breaker. A crazy college coed who lived on the beach for a week and loved every minute of it. I am currently in spring break hell as a 34-year-old mother of three, who works from home, and has been invaded by three children who have no place to go for the next 14 days. It dawned on me this morning that my three children have a lot in common with college students on spring break. Take a look a 7 ways kids are similar to college spring break assholes.
1. Loud and Obnoxious: We were out at Denny’s having breakfast when a group of ten college kids stormed through the doors. They were loud, annoying, and made the waitresses life a living hell. They were breaking the crayons and throwing them across the restaurant, blowing spit balls through their straws, and kept getting up to go to the bathroom. Does any of this sound familiar? Seriously, any of this? I am positive that every time we go out to eat with our kids, the waitress must wonder what she has done in her life, to deserve this. Food all over the place, crayons and papers on the floor, silverware stuck in the booth. Complete nightmare.
2. Gross Behavior: Spring breakers are notorious for getting drunk and peeing outside of bars and in the street. Just last week I was rushing to take one of my kids to the doctors and he had to go to the bathroom. He jumped out of the minivan and peed in a concrete planter in the parking lot. He was holding his “business” with one hand and waving at passing cars with the other. I guess peeing in a parking lot at 4 yrs old is more acceptable than at 21 yrs. old. Still, pretty gross if you ask me. Odd are good that some one is pissing on a shoe.
3. Inability To Make Good Choices: Something magical happens in the month of March. Super smart Deans list college students turn into drunken animals that run though the streets with not a care in the world. They tend to make some not-so-great choices. Bar hopping and double fist-ING shots can cause you to wake up with your head in a toilet, and vomit on your shoes. My children also lack the ability to make good choices. We are on day 2 of spring break and number 3 has already spent 2 hours in “lock-up” for trying to ninja kick his sister, among other household violations. My favorite is when he screams “I’m ready to be a human being” from his room and asks, “Can I come out now? I swear I will be a human being.” Filthy liar.
4. Always Naked: If you want to see some skin….travel to any of the spring break hot spots this season. College kids are notorious for running around naked at the beach, the hotel pool, or even in the streets, after a night of drinking. My kids also have this affliction. They are always naked. I am constantly screaming, “Put on some freaking pants, we have company.” Why must I instruct my children to wear clothing. We do not live in a nudist colony, therefore clothing is not an option, that also goes for under-ware. I literally have to do an under-ware check in the mornings before school. Every.Freaking.Day.
5. Out of Cash: I remember sitting at a table getting ready to go out with a group of friend during spring break and placing all of our cash on the table. $27 between 8 people. We spent the rest of the evening “Borrowing” money that we had no intention of paying back, so we could drink until the sun came up. My children are always asking to borrow money, swearing that “If you buy me this, I will pay you back when we get home. I have money in my piggy bank.” So cute, and yet so disillusion. They have spent that “Piggy bank” money 87 times already, and since you can’t read, all of those birthday cards filled with cash, are deposited into Mommy’s account. Sorry sucka! Get a job and learn to read.
6. Excited by Coins: Last week I asked my youngest to clean up the toy room. He asked what he could have if he completed the chore. I lifted up a shiny quarter and his eyes lit up like a Christmas tree. He ran in and picked everything up. He held onto that quarter like Gollum held onto his “Precious” ring. College spring-breakers know the value of coins as well. You might see a spring breaker digging through the seats of their car, to find enough change for a soft taco at Taco Bell.
7. Sleep Not Required: Children and Spring-Breakers can both go exceptionally long periods of time without sleep. College students and children are gifted with the ability to fight sleep and survive. Spring-breaker use alcohol to sustain their energy levels, my kids could probably go at least 48 on pure Adrenalin, cheese-its, and a Netflix marathon of the Disney Channel.
So in conclusion, my children seem to suffer from spring-breakitis all year-long. They are gross, broke, naked, and always making bad choices.