5 Struggles People With Common Names Face That Are Oh So Real

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My name is Heather and I was born in 1980. Oh, you too? I’m not surprised. Apparently, nearly everyone born in the early 80s is named Heather.

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The phenomenon lasted only a few years, just long enough to make my life difficult, and then nobody was named Heather ever again. Maybe it was just trendy. Maybe it ended because a movie came out where Christian Slater murdered a bunch of bitches named Heather. We may never know.

But now no one is named Heather, except for absolutely everyone born during that short period of time. Basically, if you are named Heather, you are almost certainly a Xennial – and if you are a Xennial, there’s a good chance you are named Heather.

It’s not just Heathers, though. I see you, Jennifers. Hi there, Sarahs. Hello, Stephanie, Stephanie, Stephanie, Stephanie, and Stephanie. Common names are, well, common.

My name is Heather and I was born in 1980. Oh, you too? I’m not surprised. Apparently, nearly everyone born in the early 80s is named Heather. Here are 5 struggles of having a common name. #commonname #filterfreeparents #momlife #funny

And having a common name sucks. Here are a few reasons why:

Okay, maybe the common names don’t suck as much as being named something “yooneek” like Ahleckxhandrrr or Spatula, but there is a very definite set of problems that comes with growing up with a common name.

You can never get store-bought personalized stuff

Wait, isn’t it the opposite? No, Florence, and let me tell you why. In theory, those of us with the most popular names could walk into Toys R Us (RIP), rotate that shelf of awesome, grab a toothbrush with our name on it, say “Suck it!” to little Calico-Tabitha on the way to the checkout, and walk out of the store tits-high like the boss bitches we were.

In reality, seventeen other common-name boss bitches had already done this, so all we ever got was a little cardboard place-holder where our fucking toothbrush should be. Shut up, Calico.

There was always someone with the same name in your class

You lucked out if you had a name like Christopher. “Who wants to be Chris, who wants to be Christopher?” Done. Elizabeths had a whole myriad of options. Not us Heathers! I was Heather J. every damn year until university when we all became numbers anyway. And then there was the year there was another Heather J. and I got to be Heather Jo. for the year. Fuck you, other Heather J.

You don’t know who people are talking to

You start ignoring it when you hear your name yelled at the mall or over a loud speaker. “Heather, your car is on fire.” *Shrug*. Probably not for me. Oh look, Scrunchies are on sale.

My name is Heather and I was born in 1980. Oh, you too? I’m not surprised. Apparently, nearly everyone born in the early 80s is named Heather. Here are 5 struggles of having a common name. #commonname #filterfreeparents #momlife #funny

Your name inevitably becomes a stereotype

If like me, your name is super popular, but only for a short time, it will become synonymous with a certain character or character trait. What did Heather become? A great big slut. But not just any slut, a brainless slut.

Now, I have no problem with women who have a lot of sex partners. I think slut-shaming is awful. And that’s why this stereotype sucks. It’s not that these women were promiscuous, it’s that they were two-dimensional and objectified.

For an entire decade, no one said my name on TV except teenage boys and men in their 20s, who said it drawn out while nodding slowly and smirking knowingly. “Heatherrrrrrrr.”

Also, a moment of silence for Chads. It might be possible you aren’t all rich assholes who love to ski.

Everyone knows how old you are

This is particularly true if that window of popularity was pretty small like mine was. Heather is going to eventually become like Agnes and Bertha. My grandchildren are going to talk about how old-fashioned my name is.

Instead of florescent mini-skirts and hoop earrings, it’s going to become associated with canes and grey hair put up in a bun. Meh, Chad will probably still want to fuck me.

So remember when you are naming your children these trendy, popular names, that they come with a price. Listen to the Lisas and the Amandas and the Heathers. Nobody likes sold-out toothbrushes.

9 COMMENTS

  1. Haha!! Amanda here ????? Loved this article! Frickin hilarious!! I hate HATE that I can’t ever buy a gas station keychain with my name on it because there’s never any left!! ??? The struggle is so real.

  2. You forgot Jessica. I was born in 1982 and for the 80s, Jessica was far and away the most popular girls name. The highest Heather got in popularity was #3 in 1975. It was in the single digits in popularity from 1972 to 1987 (except for 1981 and 1982). While Jessica was actually #1 or #2 from 1981 through 1995 …..and stayed in the single digits until 1999. It was my first name but I never went by it, thank the Lord. Check out https://www.ssa.gov/oact/babynames/ for statistics, they are pretty interesting.

  3. I am also a heather born in 1990 and I had 2 other friends named heather. I went through my life of middle school and high school as my last name because there was always somehow another heather friend in my classes. Hahaha

  4. You’ve barely scratched the surface. Go back to the 50s-early 60s. Almost ALL names, regardless of actually ending, were converted to end with a long “E”. Sandy, Tammy, Vickie, Debbie. Jimmy, Bobby, Johnny, Timmy. There were at least 2 names in every class that had to be sorted out.

    I’m a Debra. Why couldn’t teachers have gone with Debra, Deb, & Debbie? No. We had Debby Jo, Debbie Sue, & Debbie Kay (me). I had to finally start snarling at ppl when I was in h.s. to get them to drop that horrid, infantilizing name. We even had 2 Victorias, who naturally became Vickie Jo & Vickie Lynn. Plus Tammy, Roxy, Sandy, Mary and one very lucky Carla.

    And while Heather may be *thought* a brainless slut, it doesn’t even begin to compare with “Debbie”:
    Debbie Does Dallas – famous 1978 hardcore porn film
    Debbie does Donuts – a topless donut shop
    And on & on. Evidently Debbie was always a bad, bad girl…

    My folks almost named me Keitha, after my dad Keith. But he didn’t like that name, as he said we’d never know who mom was yelling for (trust me, we would’ve). How I wish they would’ve. So I shortened it to Deb asap. Ppl STILL immed. ask, “Do you spell that with a y at the end, or ie?” Umm, neither. It’s DEB. I’ve been known to answer to Debra in formal settings, but to this very day (I’m 61) will NEVER answer to Debbie. I won’t even look around.

    Btw, I personally think the name Heather rose to huge popularity when it did bc of publication in 1972 of the first modern romance “bodice ripper”, The Flame and the Flower, & the heroine was… Heather. It was steamy/racy & sexually explicit. There is barely a woman my age who didn’t read that sometime as a teen!

  5. Him name is Heather and I was born in 1980 ? I was Heather H. On the bright side I’ve never had my name misspelled or misprounced

  6. That was cute! I will now steal your “tits high” and use it for the rest of my life! My 3 best friends were all Heathers btw. You forgot about us Michelle’s!

  7. I relate completely as someone named Shelly and born in the late 60s – obviously! And I didn’t even get to be Michelle and have Shelly as a chosen nickname, my parents decided it for me. Oh, and by the way, they told me that my name was going to be Heather but they changed their minds and decided on Shelly – lol!!

  8. Or, your parents could take a common-ish name like Alyssa and try to make it unique by changing the spelling so no one actually knows how to say your name. Try being Elissa and always having to pronounce it. It’s Melissa without the M. Yes, with a double s. I only found my name on anything once, purple stationary. My grandmother didn’t even hesitate and bought it. It literally felt like a personal victory. Thirty years later I still have the stationary-I was afraid to use it!

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