48 hours until the day I have been waiting for. Yes, it has been two long years. LONG, very LONG. Ladies it is time. Soon enough I will be in a theater will hundreds of other horny housewives that can’t wait to meet Mr. Christian Grey. This movie has a lot to live up to. To be completely honest, I am nervous that I will end up disappointed. I was able to create my version of Mr. Grey. Will Jamie Dornan be able to fulfill my needs??? I can only hope that this will be the first of a series of films that will rock my thirty-something, mother of three libido into a frenzy. This movie has made me think about what will come after the fact. With such anticipation, I can only imagine that this movie will cause some major side effects. Like an earthquake, I am expecting the shock waves to be felt for quite some time after the release of the film. Below I have listed the top 5 Side effects of the 50 Shades premier.
- October Baby Boom: With so many women ready and waiting for this Friday, I think it is safe to say that there will be more fireworks this month than on the fourth of July. October will be scarier for a different reason this year. Watch out Halloween, I predict that we will see a rise in October births. There is no way to avoid this. Women will be so drunk on smut, and most likely booze, poor choices will lead to a baby boom in the fall.
- Bada Bing: Toys, toys, toys, and zip ties. I am predicting that sales will sky-rocket in the adult entertainment industry. Housewives across the globe will soon find a need for a butt-plug and whip. UPS and FEDEX delivery drivers will be working overtime to supply erotic toy time to middle-aged yoga pants wearing Moms. Mom’s, don’t forget to put away the toys, you don’t want little Johnny to find a light up vibrating stick and think its time to play Star Wars. “No Johnny, that is not a light saber!”
- Husband Euphoria: Men across the world will be enjoying weeks, perhaps month (Once this hits DVD and pay per view) of UN-initiated sex. That’s right boys, the Mrs. may be begging you for it. She will be like putty in your hands. No longer will you hear, “I have a headache”, rather it will be, “Have you seen the handcuffs?” My advice, let her call you Christian.
- Sexual Harassment Suits will Sky-Rocket: Women in a position of power in the work place will be unable to control their urges. Soon enough, case after case will surface where women are found guilty of locking the office door and chasing male employees with nipple clamps and blindfolds. There will be no stopping boss lady from tearing into the mail-room intern who is guilty of mishandling the mail. Obviously, this young man is in need of some stern corrections by the hands of a dominant .
- Insurance Deductibles will be Crushed: Getting tied up and spanked in the Red Room is something that every 50 Shades fan dreams about. I predict that many men will be found at their local Urgent Care Centers, suffering from rope burn, whip lacerations, and nipple chaffing. Don’t forget to complete your honey-do list, being disobedient can land you in the hospital. On the bright side, frequent 50 Shades fliers (Men treated for erotic injuries) will need to download their 50 Shades co-insurance card in order to ensure a discount.
So here’s to this movie living up to the ideal we have in our filthy dirty minds. I never understood crazy people waiting in long lines in the cold for a TV that’s on sale, but believe me….I get it now. Good thing I already fandango-ed my ticket. See you there dirty old women….I can’t wait. #50ShadesofGrey