Do you remember the warm fuzzy feelings you had when you thought about having children? That feeling of excitement and wonder about the journey to come. While you were daydreaming about the joy of raising children, I guarantee that you had visions of loving exchanges and deep emotional conversations. No one ever stops and thinks about the crazy things you will eventually say to your child. I can tell you that there are plenty of things that I never thought I would say to my children, yet I say them over and over again.

40 Things Parents Shouldn’t Have To Say To Their Kids, But Do

  1. Stop licking yourself.
  2. Did you just put your finger in your butt and then sniff it?
  3. Why are you eating boogers?
  4. At what point did you think it was a good idea to poop in the front yard?
  5. Wearing underwear isn’t optional. You must wear underwear.
  6. When you shower you need to use soap, every time!
  7. We don’t pee on our friends.
  8. It isn’t necessary to name your poops. Just flush the toilet.
  9. I understand that you love your fish, but you cannot snuggle him.
  10. Stop playing with your nipples. They will eventually fall off if you keep pulling on them.
  11. Your penis is not a toy. Give it a rest or it won’t be able to do its job.
  12. Mom is now a bad word. If you say it again you will immediately regret it.
  13. Do you think my answer has changed since the last time you asked…5 seconds ago?
  14. If you keep putting LEGOS up your nose, you won’t have enough pieces left to finish the kit.
  15. What did you think the bottom of the shoe was going to taste like?
  16. Don’t be sad. Accidents happen. I pee when I sneeze.
  17. We go to bed every night. I don’t understand why you are shocked. We went to bed last night, the night before that, and the night before that. This is not new information.
  18. I don’t care that you spit that food out, pick it up and eat it. You will clean your plate or we will sit here all night.
  19. I don’t care that Daniel Tiger doesn’t wear pants. You have to wear pants. You are not a tiger.
  20. Please don’t point at people. You are not invisible, they can see you pointing at them.
  21. I asked you to whisper. Screaming is not whispering.
  22. Do not show your butt hole to anyone. EVER! That is not the point of show and tell.
  23. Nice girls don’t show their nipples. Put your shirt down.
  24. I will love you even if you grow up to be a dinosaur. I promise.
  25. Do not put the dog in a choke hold. She does not like that. That is why she runs away from you ever time she sees you.
  26. I love you, but go away.
  27. I know she was mean to you, but you can’t stab her with a Lincoln log. Lincoln logs are not weapons.
  28. If you stay in your room all night and don’t come out, I will buy you whatever you want.
  29. I have never seen anyone be so thirsty at bed time. Did you forget to drink all day long?
  30. You have to actually look for your shoes to find them. Screaming, “I can’t find my shoes” will not locate the shoes.
  31. You don’t have to tell me every time you fart. There are no awards for that.
  32. I will tell you when we get there. I’m not hiding the fact that we are there by driving around aimlessly.
  33. I don’t cook vegetables because I hate you. I cook them because I love you.
  34. All I did was ask you to put on your shoes. No one told you to walk on hot coals, just put on your shoes.
  35. Get in the car. Get in the car. GET IN THE CAR!
  36. Buckle your seat belt. Buckle your seat belt. BUCKLE YOUR SEAT BELT!
  37. Did you really just ask me what happens when I get to three?
  38. Take your food out of your pants.
  39. Please put your peed in pull up in the trash can. The bathtub is not a trash can.
  40. No one can be this hungry all the time. You have had 18 snacks today and three meals.

Cherish the loving moments. Enjoy the “I love you’s” and “You’re the best Mom ever.” The in-between moments are filled with “We don’t put JELLO in our ears” and “Please stop pretending your penis is a sword.”