As I was scanning through Twitter the other day, I ran across a post that said, “What is your vagina trying to tell you?” My initial response was to look down at my vagina and patiently wait. I waited about two minutes and realized she wasn’t saying anything, which was probably a good thing. I don’t think I would want a talking Va-jay. That would be embarrassing. Think about your daily commute on the train, the passenger seat of a carpool, or a super awkward first date. No, just no. Talking vaginas would not be a good idea.

25 Things A Vagina Might Say

1. It’s hot in here. Why do you keep putting those ugly fabric swatches over the entrance? I need a breeze damn it!
2. Can I get some ice? I took a pounding last night.
3. Leggings again? Really? You are so damn lazy.
4. You better think twice before you shave an arrow over top of me again. It got real itchy last time.
5. Squeeze muscles, squeeze. This woman is going to sneeze again. I hate when she pisses herself.
6. Why does he look so confused? It isn’t rocket science. Get to work.
7. Do you really think a baby should come out of here. I mean honestly, a baby? I will not be so pretty in pink after that.
8. SIZE DOES MATTER.
9. Hello? Lady! Why are you paying for that drink? Bat your eyelashes and shake what your Momma gave ya.
10. I’m not sure if you are aware, but this pair of Spanx ain’t no miracle worker.
11. I guess I missed the memo that fringe is back in style. I totally disagree.
12. I think I have a thing for “Lumbersexuals.”
13. What is that noise? Wait, I know that noise. Buzz, buzz, buzz. Good work woman, you know what I like.
14. Loose lips sink ships! True story, my friend Betty told me.
15. Holy hell is it that time of the month already. It’s about to get all Stephen King’s “Carrie” up in here. Wine and chocolate STAT!
16. Why did she call him again? We don’t like him. He is such a douche bag!
17. Oh shit, he wants to have sex again. Quick, activate headache. 
18. I told you to shower after you went running. Now look at us. It’s all itchy down here. Get me a hairbrush and some damn Monistat.
19. Everybody get ready. She had a box of wine. The gates are going to open soon.
20. I hope you’re wearing your high waters, it’s getting wet in here.
21. Why does she have hot wax? What is she going to do with the wax? Stop! Stop! STOP!
22.I’ m not one to talk with my mouth full, but tell this idiot that less is more.
23. Don’t pull on that! It not a wind-up toy. Google it. “Clitoris.” Watch a video and head back down when you are ready.
24. What a prick. Who just comes into your house, makes a load of a mess, doesn’t clean up, and then leaves? I mean seriously.
25. Did this jack-off really say he was in the mood for tacos? What a dick!

So if your vagina can’t keep her lips sealed, beware. She may say some pretty terrible, yet truthful things.

Originally published on Suburban Misfit Mom.