I like bumper stickers. They give people a tiny glimpse into who is driving the vehicle in front of them. As a minivan driving mother of three, my goal however is to start a bumper sticker revolution. Let’s start printing some bumper stickers with some hard-core truths. Truths about our driving, our children, and ourselves. Okay, maybe not that deep, but honest and funny bumper stickers would be a refreshing change.
Here are 25 honest bumper stickers I’d like to see:
1. My child is an average student with little ambition.
2. My daughter has no rhythm and dance class is a struggle.
3. I’ll DRIVE 13.1 miles for a donut.
4. Baby onboard, and she cries a LOT!
5. I pick my nose at stop lights—WATCH.
6. I’m a TERRIBLE driver, steer clear.
7. Guns do kill people, but bananas don’t. Buy bananas.
8. My kid is an MVP video gamer. BOOM!
9. I have more LEGOs and snack foods on my van floor than a low budget day care.
10. If I smile at you at the stop light, I’m farting.
11. Honk again, because that makes you look like less of an Asshole.
12. Jesus might not love you. He did see what you did last night.
13. You don’t like gay people? It’s cool. The feeling is mutual.
14. I bet your dog is smarter than my honors student. He trained you to pick up his crap.
15. If you get any closer, you will need to buy me a drink. I only let people I like touch my tailpipe.
16. If my minivan could run off of my children’s gas, you would never see me at the pump.
17. I’m sorry you’re a Boston (fill in the blank) fan. Make better choices.
18. Speed limits are a suggestion, like how people tell you to be less of a douchebag.
19. “Have a kid,” they said. “It will be fun,” they said. They lied.
20. I drive a minivan. Don’t hate. I have third-row seating.
21. Don’t worry, be happy. You could be driving around with my crazy ass family.
22. I’m the guy who looks into your car window like I lost something. I’m CREEPY.
23. I love the environment, but not enough to bike or walk. Just saying.
24. I brake for animals, but I mostly brake because I’m screaming, “I will turn this car around” at my children.
25. I’m prepared for a zombie apocalypse. I have enough stale French fries, Skittles, baby wipes, socks and toys on the floor to last six months.
So if you can relate to any of these bumper stickers, I implore you to join the revolution. Stick your freak flag on the back of your dirty minivan, SUV, electric car or moped. Honesty is the best policy.
*Originally published on Scary Mommy