Every year women make the trek to their gynecologist to get their hoods popped. Yearly maintenance of the parts and pieces is required to make sure that everything is in good working order. I don’t necessarily mind the gynecologist, but I would be fine if we didn’t speak at all during the visit. It’s hard to make small talk when someone is pulling on your nipples like they’re salt water taffy. The worst is when the doctor is elbow deep in uterus and they continue the conversation. My biggest fear is that the doctor will point out my imperfections while buck naked on the examination table, shooting a V in the stirrups.

Here is a list of 15 things I NEVER want the gynecologist to say during an exam.

1: Have you ever considered waxing?
2. How many kids did you have? Wait, let me guess. Seven, did you have seven kids?
3. Someone forgot to do their Kegel exercises.
4. WOW! It’s quite roomy in here. You have more space then the trunk of a Lincoln Continental.
5. No one looks the same after pregnancy, but I do know a guy who can fix you. (Points to entire body)
6. Did your nipples always look in different directions? You know, like cock-eyed.
7. Are those stretch marks, or did a cat scratch the shit out of your ass?
8. You were probably pretty hot when you were younger. Do you have any pictures?
9. Did you breast feed? Looks like your kids were hungry little wolves, weren’t they?
10. Have you ever considered breast augmentation?
11. I’m sorry, that was the wrong hole. Give me a minute, I need to change my gloves.
12. Its like throwing a hot dog down a hallway in here. You know, there is a surgery to correct that.
13. You might feel some pressure, just kidding, this is going to hurt.
14. Stay right there, I lost my watch.
15. It looks like that tubal didn’t work. Congratulations, you’re pregnant.

I am happy that I only have to venture into that office once a year. I like keeping my cock-eyed nipples and roomy vagina a secret for the other 364 days.