As soon as your child can speak, it seems as though they begin asking the age old question, “Why?” My kids ask a LOT of questions. With a 10, 7, and 5 year old, the questions vary in degrees of difficulty. I usually answer them honestly and move on. I don’t want to make a big deal out of something that can be addressed and put to bed with a quick honest response.

I think I am going to start walking around with a deck of UNO cards and handing my kids the “Skip” card when I don’t want to answer the question. To be fair, if I answered all of their questions honestly, The Department of Children and Family would show up at my door.

Here are 10 kid questions that I would  skip, and how I would honestly answer them if I wasn’t afraid to go to jail.

1. Why do you drink so much wine? “Because I have three children who drive me crazy, and Momma likes a light afternoon buzz.”

2. What is a condom? “Something I didn’t use properly, because OBVIOUSLY I have three children.”

3. What’s for dinner? “I have no freaking clue. Are you sure you need to eat?”

4. Why does my finger smell? “Probably because you had it up your butt, or the dogs butt. This is just a guess.”

5. How long until I can have a cell phone? “Probably never. I am still paying on three previous IPhones because of that damn AT&T Next plan. A$$holes!”

6. Why do I have to eat green beans? “Because they were on sale and the law requires that I feed you. And because I read a book that said kids need vegetables.”

7. Why are you naked under the covers? Where are your pajamas? “I yelled at Daddy and now I have to apologize. Life isn’t fair children.”

8. Can I have an allowance? “As son as I get an allowance, and Momma wants a Yacht.”

9. Why do I have to go to bed every night? “Because when you go to sleep I eat junk food and drink alcohol, while watching soft porn on Showtime.”

10. I know a baby was in your belly, but how did it get in there? “Penis and vagina. That’s all I got kid.”

So from time to time I bite my tongue. If you have read my blog you know that it is rare for me to do that. Could you imagine if I let the honesty flow non-stop? I would probably be starting a “Go Fund Me” page for bail.